Jack and Jill Went Up to Kill Read online

  JACK

  AND

  JILL

  Went Up to Kill

  A BOOK OF ZOMBIE NURSERY RHYMES

  Michael P. Spradlin

  Illustrations by Jeff Weigel

  For my wife Kelly.

  There’s no one else I’d rather

  spend a Zombie Apoclypse with.

  CONTENTS

  There Was an Old Zombie Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

  Little Jack Horner

  A-Tisket, A-Tasket

  Baa, Baa, Zombie Sheep

  Zombie Willie Winkie

  Zombiecat, Zombiecat

  There Was an Undead Man

  Humpty Dumpty

  Sing a Song of Sixpence

  Jack Sprat Was a Revenant

  Jack and Jill Went Up to Kill

  Little Miss Muffet Turned on a Tuffet

  Do You Know the Undead Man?

  Old King Cole Is a Merry Old Ghoul

  The Monkey and the Weasel

  The Owl and the Pussycat

  Mother Goose

  Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

  Hey! Diddle, Diddle!

  Hickory, Dickory, Dock!

  Zombie Simon

  Jack Be Nimble

  Little Bo Peep

  Peter, Peter, Fresh Brain Eater

  Three Zombie Kittens

  Mary Ran from a Zombie Lamb

  Little Boy Blue

  The Zombie Queen of Hearts

  Three Zombie Mice

  About the Author

  About the Illustrator

  Notes

  Other Works

  Back Ad

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  THERE WAS AN OLD ZOMBIE WOMAN WHO LIVED IN A SHOE

  There was an old Zombie woman who lived in a shoe.

  She ate so many children, she was covered in goo;

  She gave them a chomp and tore open their heads;

  Then they all turned and became the Undead.

  LITTLE JACK HORNER

  Little Jack Horner

  Sat in the corner,

  Eating somebody’s eye;

  He chowed down on a thumb,

  It had come from a bum,

  And said, “What a good Zombie am I!”

  A-TISKET, A-TASKET

  A-tisket, a-tasket

  A green and yellow basket

  I stole the brains o’ my love

  And on the way I dropped it,

  I dropped it,

  I dropped it,

  And on the way I dropped it.

  A little Zombie boy picked them up and put them in his pocket.

  BAA, BAA, ZOMBIE SHEEP

  Baa, baa, Zombie sheep,

  Have you eaten flesh?

  Yes sir, yes sir,

  It was nice and fresh.

  We just ate the master,

  Already ate the dame,

  Let’s go eat the little boy

  Who lives down the lane.

  ZOMBIE WILLIE WINKIE

  Zombie Willie Winkie runs through the town,

  Upstairs and downstairs brains chowing down,

  Tapping at the window and scratching at the lock,

  Are all the children in their beds?

  Is the shotgun cocked?

  ZOMBIECAT, ZOMBIECAT

  Zombiecat, zombiecat, where have you been?

  I’ve been up to London to devour the Queen.

  Zombiecat, zombiecat, what did you dare?

  I want to eat the little mouse under the chair.

  MEOWW!

  THERE WAS AN UNDEAD MAN

  There was an Undead man, and he walked an Undead mile.

  He found some flesh and brains upon a crooked stile.

  He ate a crooked cat, then he ate a crooked mouse.

  And they were all undead together in a little revenant house.

  HUMPTY DUMPTY

  Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

  Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

  All the king’s Zombie horses and the king’s Zombie men

  Thought Humpty Dumpty tasted like chicken.

  SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE

  Sing a song of sixpence,

  A pocket full of eyes.

  Four and twenty blackbirds,

  Baked in a pie.

  When the pie was opened,

  The birds began to sing;

  Wasn’t that an Undead dish?

  To set before the king?

  The king was in his counting house,

  Sharpening his machete;

  The queen was in the parlor,

  Her brains were nice and runny.

  The maid was in the garden,

  Hanging out the clothes;

  When down came a Zombie blackbird

  And pecked off her nose.

  JACK SPRAT WAS A REVENANT

  Jack Sprat was a revenant.

  He ate his poor wife’s spleen.

  He spread out her guts, munched her face,

  Then licked the platter clean.

  JACK AND JILL WENT UP TO KILL

  Jack and Jill went up to kill

  They’d caught the Zombie virus.

  Jack fell down and broke his crown,

  And looked like Miley Cyrus.

  Mary Jane was in the lane

  Holding a machete.

  She called for Nell to ring the bell

  ’Cause Jack and Jill were Zombies.

  Then up Jack got and home did trot

  As fast as he could shuffle;

  To Old Dame Dob who proved tasty

  Her screams they were not muffled.

  Jill came in and she did grin

  It scared us just to see her;

  Mother vexed did cut off her head

  To stop Zombie invaders.

  Now Jack didn’t care that Jill was dead

  For Zombies cannot tell;

  Then the townsfolk cut him down like her

  And sent his undead ass to hell.

  LITTLE MISS MUFFET TURNED ON A TUFFET

  Little Miss Muffet turned on a tuffet,

  Eating fresh brains all day;

  Along came a human,

  She added some cumin,

  And munched the poor man away.

  DO YOU KNOW THE UNDEAD MAN?

  Do you know the Undead man,

  With no right arm, and no left hand?

  Do you know the Undead man,

  Who lives right next door?

  Yes, I know the Undead man,

  I shot him twice and it was nice,

  Now he’s a really dead Undead man,

  So please clean up the gore.

  OLD KING COLE IS A MERRY OLD GHOUL

  Old King Cole is a merry old ghoul,

  And a new Zombie was he;

  I hit him with a pipe, and stabbed him in his jowl

  As he munched on his fiddlers three.

  Every fiddler came back to life,

  To very fine Zombies be;

  So I turned and I ran, I can kill them again,

  As Old King Cole ate his fiddlers three.

  THE MONKEY AND THE WEASEL

  All around the cobbler’s bench,

  The monkey chased the weasel.

  The monkey thought the brains were good,

  Pop! goes the weasel.

  The monkey now he is Undead,

  And looking for a free meal—

  That’s the way the Zombie goes,

  Pop! goes the weasel.

  Jimmy’s not got whooping cough

  And Timmy has no measles

  That’s the way the virus grows

  Pop! goes the weasel.

  THE OWL AND THE PUSSYCAT

  The Owl and the
Pussycat went to sea

  Because Zombies do not float:

  They took a shotgun, and a “no Zombie doctrine”

  In their beautiful pea green boat.

  The Owl looked up to the stars above,

  And sang to a small guitar,

  “O pussycat, pussycat, my love,

  We’re away from the undead out here,

  Don’t turn,

  Don’t turn!

  For I would hate to have to shoot you!”

  Pussy said to the Owl, “You elegant fowl,

  How charmingly sweet you sing!

  Oh! Let us not turn; for one of us would burn:

  Let’s hope the virus stays away.”

  They sailed away, for a year and a day,

  To the land no Zombie knows;

  But there in a wood a Zombie pig stood,

  With flesh hanging off his nose,

  His nose,

  His nose,

  With brains at the end of his nose.

  “Dear Pig, don’t come near us; you’ll certainly fear us.

  I’ll blast you clean up to the sky.”

  Then Pussycat noticed that Owl looked feverish

  And cocked the shotgun with a sigh.

  “I’m sorry, my friend, but this virus must end.”

  And sent Owl to the nest in the sky.

  MOTHER GOOSE

  Brains! Brains! Mother Goose,

  Or have you any femurs loose?

  And I have thighs, my pretty fellow,

  Half enough to fill a pillow.

  Here are spleens, take one or two,

  And lungs to make a bed for you.

  MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY

  Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

  How does your garden grow?

  With Zombie yells and revenant spells,

  And Undead maids all in a row.

  HEY! DIDDLE, DIDDLE!

  Hey! Diddle, diddle,

  The cat and the fiddle,

  The cow turned under the moon;

  The Zombie dog laughed to see such sport,

  And ate their brains with a spoon.

  HICKORY, DICKORY, DOCK!

  Hickory, dickory, dock!

  The mouse upon a Zombie clock.

  The clock bit once,

  The mouse was turned,

  Hickory, dickory, dock.

  ZOMBIE SIMON

  Zombie Simon ate the pie man,

  Going to the fair;

  Said Zombie Simon to the pie man

  “Let me taste your hair!”

  Said the pie man to Zombie Simon,

  “Show me first your penny.”

  So Zombie Simon chomped the pie man,

  Who tasted good as any.

  JACK BE NIMBLE

  Jack be nimble,

  Jack be quick,

  Jack kills a Zombie

  With a candlestick.

  Jump so high

  And do not tarry

  Or Zombies away

  You will carry.

  LITTLE BO PEEP

  Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep,

  She doesn’t know they’ve turned into Zombies;

  Leave them alone or they’ll come home,

  Bringing entrails behind them.

  Little Bo Peep fell fast asleep

  And dreamt she heard them bleating,

  But when she awoke found it was no joke,

  For they were all flesh eating.

  Then up she took her little crook

  Determined to smash their brains in.

  She found them indeed, but it made her heart bleed,

  For they left dead folks behind them.

  It happened one day, as Bo Peep did stray

  Into a meadow hard by,

  There she started to slide on their gooey insides

  All hung on a tree to dry.

  She heaved a sigh, and wiped her eye,

  And over the hillocks went killing,

  And tried what she could, as a shepherdess should,

  To stop Zombie sheep from spreading.

  PETER, PETER, FRESH BRAIN EATER

  Peter, Peter, fresh brain eater,

  Chomped his wife and she was sweeter!

  He ate her brains before they smelled,

  And thought she tasted pretty swell!

  THREE ZOMBIE KITTENS

  Three little kittens lost their mittens, as they began to turn,

  “Oh Mother dear, we sadly fear that we have lost our mittens.”

  “What! Lost your mittens, you naughty kittens!

  Then you have no brain pie.”

  “Meeow, meeow, meeow, now we shall have no pie.”

  The three little kittens they found their mittens,

  And they began to spew,

  “Oh Mother dear, see here, see here

  For we have found our mittens.”

  “Go away, go away, you zombie kittens

  For you shall make me die.”

  “Meowbraiiins, meowbraiins … meowbraiins,

  Now let us have brain pie.”

  The three little kittens put on their mittens

  And soon ate up the mail guy,

  “Oh Mother dear, we greatly fear

  That we have soiled our mittens.”

  “What! Soiled your mittens, you naughty kittens!”

  Then they began to cry, “Meeowbraainnns, meeow, meeow.”

  Then they began to sigh.

  The three little kittens they ate their mother

  And soon began to cry,

  “Oh Mother dear, you are not here

  Your brain are upon our mittens.”

  “Brains! Brains! upon our mittens, we zombie kittens.”

  Do you smell a rat close by?

  “Rat brains, rat brains, rat brains!” We smell a rat close by.

  MARY RAN FROM A ZOMBIE LAMB

  Mary ran from a little lamb

  It was Undead you know;

  And everywhere that Mary went,

  The lamb tried hard to go.

  It followed her to school one day,

  And tried to eat its fill;

  It made the children scream and cry,

  A Zombie lamb at school!

  And so the teacher chopped it down,

  But still it crept so near,

  And lumbered patiently about till Mary did appear.

  “Why does the lamb chase Mary so?”

  The terrified children cried;

  “Why, Mary has such tasty brains, you know,”

  The teacher did reply.

  LITTLE BOY BLUE

  Little Boy Blue!

  Come blow your horn!

  A Zombie’s in the meadow,

  And the cow has turned!

  A Zombie Boy

  Ate all the sheep,

  He’s under a haystack,

  Undead in a heap.

  Will you wake him?

  No, not I—

  For if I do,

  He’ll make me die.

  THE ZOMBIE QUEEN OF HEARTS

  The Queen of Hearts she ate some parts

  All on a summer’s day;

  The Knave of Hearts he stole her parts

  And took them clean away.

  The King of Hearts called for more parts

  And beat the Knave full sore.

  The Knave of Hearts still ate the parts

  And vowed he’d steal some more.

  THREE ZOMBIE MICE

  Three Zombie mice. Three Zombie mice.

  See how they turn. See how they turn.

  They all chased down the farmer’s wife,

  She tried smashing their heads with a big old knife,

  Did you ever see such a sight in your life?

  As three Zombie mice?

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  MICHAEL P. SPRADLIN is the author of the New York Times bestseller It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies! and Every Zombie Eats Somebody Sometime, as well as several children’s picture books, the novels and manga volumes in the Spy Goddess ser
ies, and the Youngest Templar novels. He lives in Michigan with his family.

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.

  ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATOR

  JEFF WEIGEL is the illustrator of the New York Times bestseller It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies! and its sequel, Every Zombie Eats Somebody Sometime. He wrote, illustrated, and designed the children’s picture books Atomic Ace (He’s Just My Dad), Atomic Ace and the Robot Rampage, and the historical graphic adventure novel Thunder from the Sea. He lives with his wife in Belleville, Illinois.

  NOTES

  MOTHER GOOSE WAS REALLY

  A ZOMBIE.

  I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

  Throughout human history, the Zombie has held a prominent place in our literature. And the undead’s contributions to our stories are perhaps no more prevalent than in the development of the nursery rhyme. Like the oldest tales, first spun by ancient storytellers around the campfire in the cave, our nursery rhymes were, at first, simple parables. Short lessons in morality, which furthered our evolution as a species.

  And in many cases the nursery rhyme was a veritable instructional mantra on ridding our homes and neighborhoods of the dead come back to life. Scholars have clearly shown that nursery rhymes have been full of Zombie references for centuries. One only needs to think of monkeys and weasels getting their heads bashed in and the terrifying screams of Humpty Dumpty as he loses his broken head to a brain-eating troop of the king’s men to understand that our ancestors were plagued by the Zombie menace for eons.