Every Zombie Eats Somebody Sometime Read online

  Every

  ZOMBIE

  Eats Somebody Sometime

  A BOOK OF ZOMBIE LOVE Songs

  Michael P. Spradlin

  Illustrations by Jeff Weigel

  For Kelly. As Always.

  CONTENTS

  Cover

  Title Page

  MY FEAR OF A CLOWN

  YOU’LL SCREAM IN FEAR

  EVERY ZOMBIE EATS SOMEBODY SOMETIME

  YOU’VE LOST THAT LIVIN’ FEELING

  CAN YOU FIND MY THUMB TONIGHT?

  Imagine (THERE’S NO ZOMBIES)

  BRAINS TODAY

  I WANT TO EAT YOUR HAND

  THAT’LL BE THE DAY (WHEN I MAKE YOU DIE)

  I BIT YOU BABE

  YOU ARE SO EDIBLE

  ZOMBIES IN THE NIGHT

  MY HEART WILL TASTE GOOD

  MY UNDEAD LOVE

  FIFTY WAYS TO EAT YOUR LOVER

  EAT CAROLINE

  I CAN’T STOP CHEWING YOU

  WITH OR WITHOUT GOO

  YOU ARE TENDER

  TASTY

  INDIGESTIBLE

  TASTE WONDERFUL TONIGHT

  WHEN A MAN BITES A WOMAN

  YOU’RE THE ONE THAT I CHOMP

  DO YOU THINK I’M TASTY

  CHEW ME UP, BUTTERCUP

  KILLING HIM SWIFTLY

  YOU BLIGHT UP MY LIFE

  I WILL ALWAYS KILL YOU

  ZOMBIES NEED LOVE (SONGS) TOO

  About the Author

  About the Illustrator

  Copyright

  Also by Michael P. Spradlin and Jeff Weigel

  About the Publisher

  MY FEAR OF A CLOWN

  Sung to the tune of “Tears of a Clown”

  by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles

  Oh yeah, yeah, yeah,

  Now if there’s some blood on my face,

  It’s only there when I bite the public,

  But when it comes down to chewing you,

  Now honey, that’s quite a Zombie subject.

  But don’t let my blank expression

  Give you the undead impressions.

  Really I’m dead, oh I’m deader than dead.

  You’re gone and I’m hurtin’ so bad.

  The dead can’t pretend to be glad.

  Chorus

  Now there’s some bad things known to man,

  But ain’t too much badder than

  A real Zombie clown, when he’s chowin’ down.

  Uh hum, oh yeah baby.

  Now if I appear to be undead,

  It’s only to camouflage my sickness.

  And honey to hide my slime I try

  To cover this virus with a show of madness.

  But don’t let my fate convince you

  That I’ve been undead since you

  Decided to go. Oh, I’ll eat you so.

  I’m bit and I want you to know,

  But for others I shuffle so slow, ooh yeah.

  Repeat Chorus

  Just like Romero did,

  I try to keep the undead hid.

  Lurching in the public eye

  But in my lonely room I died.

  I’m a Zombie clown,

  And I’m chowin’ down, oh yeah, baby baby.

  Now if there’s some brains in this place,

  Don’t let my blank expression

  Give you the undead impressions.

  Don’t let my smile at your fear

  Make you think that I can’t share.

  When really I’m dead

  Oh I’m really dead …

  YOU’LL SCREAM IN FEAR

  Sung to the tune of “Tracks of My Tears”

  by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles

  People say there’s no life at our party,

  Because I ate a brain or two.

  Although I might be munching loud and hearty,

  Deep inside I’m goo.

  Don’t take a good look at my face,

  You’ll see my nose looks out of place.

  If you come closer,

  I’ll chew off your face.

  You’ll scream in fear.

  I eat you, eat you.

  since you ran from me if you see me chowin’ down

  On some random girl.

  Although she may taste great,

  Darlin’ don’t hesitate,

  Because I’m comin’ after you too.

  Don’t take a good look at my face,

  You’ll see my nose it looks out of place.

  If you look closer, you’ll see my disgrace.

  You’ll scream in fear.

  I’ll eat you, eat you.

  Don’t take a good look at my face,

  You’ll see my nose looks out of place.

  If you come closer, I’ll rip off your face.

  You’ll scream in fear.

  I eat you, eat you.

  Outside … I’m masticating,

  Inside … reanimating.

  A Zombie clown, oh yeah,

  Since you put me down.

  Your brain is my makeup,

  I wear since I tried to eat you.

  Don’t take a good look at my face,

  You’ll see my nose looks out of place.

  If you come closer, I’ll bite off your face.

  You’ll scream in fear.

  EVERY ZOMBIE EATS SOMEBODY SOMETIME

  Sung to the tune of “Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime”

  by Dean Martin

  Every Zombie eats somebody sometime,

  Everybody turns Zombie somehow.

  Something in your bite just told me,

  My turning is now.

  Every Zombie chews somebody someplace,

  There’s no telling where they may appear.

  omething in the air keeps spreadin',

  The virus is here.

  If I had enough sharp weapons

  I’d hack away at the Zombie swarms.

  Then every single undead hour,

  Every Zombie would be looking for his arms.

  Every Zombie eats somebody sometime,

  And though the virus was overdue,

  Your brains made it well worth waiting,

  For munching on you.

  If I had enough sharp weapons

  I’d hack away at the Zombie swarms.

  Then every single undead hour,

  Every Zombie would be looking for his arms.

  Every Zombie eats somebody sometime,

  And though the virus was overdue,

  Your brains made it well worth waiting,

  For munching on you.

  YOU’VE LOST THAT LIVIN’ FEELING

  Sung to the tune of “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling”

  by the Righteous Brothers

  You never chew on eyes anymore when the virus trips.

  And your skin’s tenderest while it peels off in my fingertips.

  You’re trying hard not to vomit (baby).

  But baby, baby, you’re rotting …

  You’ve lost that livin’ feeling,

  Whoa, that livin’ feeling,

  You’ve lost that livin’ feeling,

  Now it’s gone … gone … moan … woooooah.

  Now there’s an undead look in my eyes

  when I reach for you.

  And now you’re starting to criticize all the things I chew.

  It makes me just keep on trying (baby).

  ‘Cause baby, like me you are dying.

  You lost that livin’ feeling,

  Whoa, that livin’ feeling,

  You’ve lost that livin’ feeling,

  Now it’s gone … gone … moan … woooooah.

  Baby, baby, I chow down on some knees f
or you.

  If you would only bite me like I just bit you, yeah.

  We found a brain … a brain … a brain you don’t find every day.

  So don’t … don’t … don’t … don’t you run away.

  Baby (baby), baby (baby),

  I beg of you please … please,

  I need a brain (I need a brain),

  I need a brain (I need a brain),

  For a tasty snack (for a tasty snack),

  For a tasty snack (for a tasty snack).

  Virus took that livin’ feeling,

  Whoa, that livin’ feeling,

  We lost that livin’ feeling,

  ‘Cause it’s gone … gone … moan,

  and I can’t go on,

  noooo …

  Bring back that livin’ feeling,

  Whoa, that livin’ feeling,

  Bring back that livin’ feeling,

  ‘Cause it’s gone … gone

  CAN YOU FIND MY THUMB TONIGHT?

  Sung to the tune of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”

  by Elton John

  Why didn’t we surrender, we should have run away,

  When the tide of a zombie horde wasn’t turned away.

  An apocalyptic moment, we’re infected through and through,

  It’s enough for this walking cadaver to try and eat you too.

  And can you find my thumb tonight?

  It was here somewhere!

  I’ve been bit by this undead zombie,

  Now my thumb’s in your hair!

  And can you find my thumb tonight?

  It’s a survival test.

  This virus will turn kings and vagabonds,

  Along with all the rest.

  There’s a time for everyone if they only learn

  That the zombie apocalypse infects us and we turn.

  There’s a rhyme and reason to the hordes outside,

  When the heart of this just-turned revenant is swallowed

  Down with yours.

  And can you find my thumb tonight?

  It was here somewhere!

  It’s enough for this infected wanderer,

  Oh look, it’s in your hair.

  And can you find my thumb tonight,

  Wait! It’s in my chest.

  We will feed on kings and vagabonds

  And eat all of the rest.

  Imagine (THERE’S NO ZOMBIES)

  Sung to the tune of “Imagine”

  by John Lennon

  Imagine there’s no Zombies,

  It’s easy, just don’t die.

  No hell around us,

  Somehow we’d get by.

  Imagine all the undead

  Dying off today.

  Imagine there’s no virus,

  No undead to chew.

  Nothing to kill or chase us,

  And no Apocalypse too.

  Imagine all the Zombies

  Dying at our feet.

  You may say that I’m a screamer,

  But there’re many more than one.

  I hope you are not turned

  And live free of Zombie scum.

  Imagine no more weapons,

  Just try it and you can.

  No need for hand grenades nor axes,

  A surviving world of man.

  Imagine all the Zombies

  Dying at your feet.

  You may say that I’m a screamer,

  But there’re many more than one.

  I hope someday you’ll join us

  In a world with no Zombie Scum.

  BRAINS TODAY

  Sung to the tune of “Yesterday”

  by the Beatles

  Yesterday,

  All the Zombies seemed so far away,

  Now it looks as though they’re here to stay,

  Oh, I’m hungry for something gray.

  Suddenly,

  I’m just half the man I used to be,

  Parts are falling off of me,

  Oh the virus came on suddenly.

  Why she

  Had to bite me I don’t know, she wouldn’t say.

  I said,

  Something’s wrong, now I want some brains.

  Yesterday,

  My hunger did not drive me on this way,

  Now I need to munch on something gray, Oh,

  I was human yesterday.

  Why she

  Had to bite me I don’t know, she wouldn’t say.

  I said,

  Something’s wrong, now I long for something gray. Yesterday,

  My need for brains is here to stay, Now I will munch on something gray, Oh, I believe in brains today.

  Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. (bbbbbrrrrraaaaiiiiiiinnnnnsssss)

  I WANT TO EAT YOUR HAND

  Sung to the tune of “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles

  Oh yeah, I’ve turned into something,

  You just won’t understand.

  When I say that you’re delicious

  I want to eat your hand,

  I want to eat your hand,

  I want to eat your hand.

  Oh please, say I’m a Zombie,

  I’m eating your brain pan,

  And please, don’t slay me You’ll let me eat your hand.

  Now let me eat your hand,

  I want to eat your hand.

  And when I eat brains I feel happy inside.

  It’s such a feeling that my gore

  You can’t hide, you can’t hide, you can’t hide.

  Yeah, you’ve got that large brain,

  I think you won’t understand.

  When I’ll say I’m so hungry

  I want to eat your hand,

  I want to eat your hand,

  I want to eat your hand.

  And when I eat brains I feel happy inside.

  It’s such a feeling that my love

  You can’t hide, you can’t hide, you can’t hide.

  Yeah, you’ve got that big brain,

  You just won’t understand.

  When I’ll say I’m so hungry

  And munchin’ on your hand,

  I want to nosh your hand,

  I want to chew your hand.

  THAT’LL BE THE DAY (WHEN I MAKE YOU DIE)

  Sung to the tune of “That’ll Be the Day” by Buddy Holly and the Crickets

  Well, that’ll be the day, when you say goodbye,

  Yes, that’ll be the day, when I make you die,

  You say you’re gonna eat me, you know you can try,

  ‘Cause that’ll be the day when you die.

  Well, you went after me, hungry for brains,

  All your bites and noshing you left me in pain.

  Well, you know there’s my machete,

  Unless you run, my baby,

  That someday, I’ll kill you.

  Well, that’ll be the day, when you say goodbye,

  Yes, that’ll be the day, when I make you die,

  You say you’re gonna eat me, you know can try,

  ‘Cause I’ll put a bullet right in your eye.

  Well, that’ll be the day, when you say goodbye,

  Yes, that’ll be the day, when I make you die,

  You say you’re gonna eat me, you know you can try,

  ‘Cause that’ll be the day when you die.

  Well, when that Zombie did his part,

  He bit you, the virus did start.

  So we had to part, and I will kill you,

  You come after me and you say it coldly

  That someday, you’re gonna chew.

  Well, that’ll be the day, when you say goodbye,

  Yes, that’ll be the day, when I make you die,

  You say you’re gonna eat me, you know you can try,

  ‘Cause that’ll be the day when you die.

  Well, that’ll be the day, chew-chew,

  I’ll make you die, chew-chew,

  Your face will decay, chew-chew,

  You I will slay.

  I BIT YOU BABE

  Sung to the tune of “I Got You
Babe” by Sonny and Cher

  Her: They say we’re dead and we don’t know

  We won’t find out until we show.

  Him: Well, I don’t know why you’re so blue

  ‘Cause you bit me, and baby I bit you.

  Him: Babe,

  Both: I bit you babe,

  I bit you babe.

  Her: They say eatin’ brains won’t pay the rent,

  Before we’re burned, our hungers all been spent.

  Him: I guess that’s so, we don’t eat a lot,

  But at least I’m sure of all the brains we got.

  Him: Babe,

  Both: I bit you babe,

  I bit you babe.

  Him: I got turned in the spring

  I bit off your wedding ring.

  Her: And when I’m sad, you eat a clown,

  And if I get scared, you’re always chowin’ down

  Her: Don’t let them say eatin’ brains is wrong

  ‘Cause I don’t care, they make us strong.

  Him: Your little hand came off in mine,

  There ain’t no cowering victim we can’t find.

  Him: Babe,

  Both: I bit you babe,

  I bit you babe.

  Him: I got you to eat my hand.

  Her: I bit you undead again.

  Him: I bit you to walk with me.

  Her: I bit you now stalk with me,

  I bit you to kiss goodnight,

  I bit you it feels so right,

  I bit you, I won’t let go,

  I got you to love brains so.

  Both: I bit you babe,

  I bit you babe,

  I bit you babe,

  I bit you babe,

  I bit you babe.

  YOU ARE SO EDIBLE

  Sung to the tune of “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker

  You are so edible,

  You see.

  You are so edible,

  You flee.

  Don’t you scream,

  Your brain is what I hoped for,

  Your brain is what I need.

  You are so edible,

  You see.

  You are so delicious,

  Says me.

  You are so delicious,

  Let’s see.

  Don’t you scream,

  You’re as tasty as I hoped for,

  As tasty as I need.

  You are so delicious,

  You see.

  You are so chewable,

  Don’t flee.

  You are so chewable,

  For me.

  Don’t you scream,

  You’re everything I turned for,

  You undead is what I need.

  You are so edible,