It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Zombies Read online

  Right down Zombie Claus Lane!

  Vixen and Blitzen and his undead reindeer

  are eating all the brains.

  Bells are ringing, children screaming;

  All is bloody and bright.

  Load your shotgun and say your prayers,

  ’Cause Zombie Claus comes tonight.

  Here comes Zombie Claus, here comes Zombie Claus,

  Right down Zombie Claus Lane!

  He’s got a bag that is filled with brains,

  And we don’t know where he’s been.

  Hear those sleigh bells jingle-jangle.

  What a horrible night.

  Jump in bed, hold onto your head,

  ’Cause Zombie Claus comes tonight.

  Here comes Zombie Claus, here comes Zombie Claus,

  Right down Zombie Claus lane.

  He doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor;

  He’ll eat you just the same.

  Zombie Claus knows we’re all just protein;

  That makes everything right.

  So fill your shotgun up with shells

  ’Cause Zombie Claus comes tonight!

  Here comes Zombie Claus, here comes Zombie Claus,

  Right down Zombie Claus Lane!

  He’ll come around when the screams ring out

  That there’re fresh brains again.

  Zombie virus will come to all

  If we just cower in fright.

  So let’s give thanks to Smith and Wesson,

  ’Cause Zombie Claus comes tonight!

  SNACKING AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

  Sung to the tune of “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”

  Snacking around the Christmas tree

  at the undead party hop.

  Missing toes hung where you can see,

  chewy eyeballs just go pop!

  Chorus

  Noshing around the Christmas tree,

  Don’t let the humans get away.

  Later we’ll have some fresh skull pie

  And some undead caroling.

  You will get a sentimental feeling, for your ear

  It’s gone now but you’re still jolly,

  The halls are decked with parts of Wally.

  Chorus

  Snacking around the Christmas tree,

  Have a munchy holiday.

  Zombies dancing merrily,

  In the new old-fashioned way.

  SLAY RIDE

  Sung to the tune of “Sleigh Ride”

  Chorus I

  Just hear those fresh brains jingling,

  And nostrils running with goo.

  Come on, it’s lovely weather

  To go flesh-eating together with you.

  Chorus II

  Outside the bodies are falling

  And Zombies are calling “woo-hoo.”

  Come on, it’s lovely weather

  To go flesh-eating together with you.

  Take a bite, take a bite, take a bite, let’s go.

  Here’s a leg with a shoe,

  We’re riding in a wonderland of ooze.

  Take a chomp, take a chomp, take a chomp, it’s grand;

  An ear’s in my hand.

  We’re gliding along with a song

  Of a Zombie wonderland.

  Their cheeks are nice and tasty,

  And brains are basting you see.

  We’re snuggled up together

  Like two flesh-eaters would be.

  Let’s take that road before us

  And eat a chorus or two.

  Come on, it’s lovely weather

  To go flesh-eating together with you.

  There’s a Zombie party at the home of Farmer Gray.

  His brain’ll be the perfect ending of a perfect day;

  We’ll be eating the parts we love to eat without a single stop

  At the fireplace while we watch the eyeballs pop.

  Pop! Pop! Pop!

  There’s a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy

  When they pass around a femur and somebody’s eye—

  It’ll be just like a picture print by undead Currier and Ives.

  These wonderful brains are the brains

  We’ll be eating all through our lives!

  Chorus I & II

  It’s lovely weather to go flesh-eating together with you.

  It’s lovely weather to go flesh-eating together with you.

  A JOLLY ZOMBIE CHRISTMAS

  Sung to the tune of “A Holly, Jolly Christmas”

  Have a jolly Zombie Christmas;

  Time to eat somebody’s ear.

  I don’t know if we’ll eat toes,

  But they’ll still scream in fear.

  Have a jolly Zombie Christmas,

  And when they run down the street,

  Say hello to friends you know

  And bite ev’ryone you meet.

  Oh, ho,

  There’s poor Joe, hung where you can see.

  Somebody waits for you;

  Bite her once for me.

  Have a Jolly Zombie Christmas,

  And in case you lose your ears,

  Oh, by golly,

  Have a jolly

  Zombie Christmas this year.

  DECK THE HALLS WITH PARTS OF WALLY

  Sung to the tune of “Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly”

  Deck the halls with parts of Wally,

  Fa la la la la, la la la la.

  ’Tis the season for brains by golly,

  Fa la la la la, la la la la.

  Chew we now our friend’s gray matter,

  Fa la la, fa la la, la la la.

  Wear old clothes ’cause fresh brains splatter,

  Fa la la la la, la la la la.

  See the blazing town before us,

  Fa la la la la, la la la la.

  Let’s go in and eat the chorus,

  Fa la la la la, la la la la.

  Follow me, we eat with leisure,

  Fa la la, fa la la, la la la.

  A fresh brain for our Yuletide pleasure.

  Fa la la la la, la la la la.

  ZOMBIE, THE SNOWMAN

  Sung to the tune of “Frosty, the Snowman”

  Zombie the Snowman was a jolly, happy ghoul,

  With a corncob pipe and some boy’s nose

  And two eyes he got at school.

  Zombie the Snowman is a fairy tale, they say;

  He was undead, it’s so,

  But the children know how he came back to life one day.

  There must have been a virus in

  That old silk hat they found,

  For when they placed it on his head,

  He began to dance around.

  Oh, Zombie the Snowman was alive as he could be,

  And the children say he ate brains all day,

  And they ran from that Zombie.

  Chorus

  Thumpety thump thump,

  Thumpety thump thump,

  Look at Zombie go.

  Thumpety thump thump,

  Thumpety thump thump,

  Over the hills of snow.

  Zombie the Snowman knew the brains were fresh that day,

  So he said, “Please run, because it’s lots more fun when I eat your brain that way.”

  Down through the village with a femur in his hand,

  Running here and there all around the square,

  Sayin’, “Decapitate me if you can!”

  He chased them through the streets of town

  And ate the traffic cop,

  And he barely paused a moment when he heard the cop’s brain pop!

  Zombie the Snowman

  Had to hurry on his way,

  But he waved good-bye, sayin’, “Please do cry,

  I’ll eat your brains someday!”

  Chorus

  EAT A TOE

  Sung to the tune of “Let It Snow”

  Oh the virus outside is spreadin’,

  And there’s more and more undeadin’,

  But when fresh brains
are running low,

  Eat a toe! Eat a toe! Eat a toe!

  The Zombie ’pocalypse ain’t stopping—

  Listen, hear the eyeballs a-popping,

  But fresh brains are running low,

  Eat a toe! Eat a toe! Eat a toe!

  The humans put up a good fight,

  But lost out to a Zombie swarm!

  So if you’ll really let me turn,

  I’ll eat my own sister’s arm!

  Civilization is slowly dying,

  And, humans, we’re still good-bying,

  But Zombies already ate your nose,

  Eat a toe! Eat a toe! Eat a toe!

  HERE WE COME A-GARROTING

  Sung to the tune of “Here We Come A-Caroling”

  Here we come a-garroting,

  Among the brains that bleed.

  Here we come a-Zombie-ing,

  Undead to be seen.

  Chorus

  We have come to eat you,

  With a Zombie virus, too.

  And God bless you as I rip off your ear,

  And God bless you as I rip off your ear.

  We are not your normal Zombies

  Who roam from door to door,

  But we were friendly neighbors,

  Whom you have seen before.

  Chorus

  Let’s eat the master of this house,

  And eat the mistress too,

  And all the little children,

  Let’s eat them through and through.

  Chorus

  And all your kin and kinfolk

  That dwell both far and near,

  We wish they were still living,

  But they are gone we fear.

  Chorus

  I’M DREAMING OF AN UNDEAD CHRISTMAS

  Sung to the tune of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”

  I’m dreaming of an undead Christmas,

  With the virus all aglow,

  Where the brainpans glisten

  And humans listen

  To hear Zombies tromping through the snow.

  I’m dreaming of an undead Christmas

  With every human that I bite.

  May your days be merry and bright,

  And may all your Christmas brains taste right.

  I’m dreaming of an undead Christmas

  With every human being I bite.

  May your days be scary with fright,

  And may all your Christmas brains taste right.

  ZOMBIE YELLS

  Sung to the tune of “Jingle Bells”

  Bleeding from the nose,

  There’s one horse left to slay,

  O’er the fields we go,

  Feasting all the way.

  Bells on bobtails ring,

  Make undead spirits bright.

  What fun it is to chew and sing

  An eating song tonight!

  Oh, Zombie yells, Zombie yells,

  Howling all the way.

  Oh, what fun it is to ride

  In an undead open sleigh!

  Zombie yells, Zombie yells,

  Chomping all the way.

  Oh, what fun it is to ride

  In an undead open sleigh!

  A day or two ago,

  I got a Zombie bite,

  And soon Miss Fanny Bright—

  I was chewing on her side.

  The horse was lean and stank,

  But horse brains are our lot.

  We got into a drifted bank

  And the horse he was upsot.

  Oh, Zombie yells, Zombie yells,

  Howling all the way!

  Oh, what fun it is to ride

  In an undead horsey sleigh!

  Zombie yells, Zombie yells,

  Chomping all the way.

  Oh, what fun it is to ride

  In an undead horsey sleigh, yeah!

  LET’S FEAST ON MERRY GENTLEMEN

  Sung to the tune of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”

  Let’s feast on merry gentlemen;

  There’ll be arterial spray.

  Remember, eat your vegetables

  With brains on Christmas Day.

  You can’t be saved from Zombie’s power;

  Undead have gone astray.

  Eating brains brings us comfort and joy,

  Comfort and joy,

  O, eating brains brings us comfort and joy.

  SILVER BRAINS

  Sung to the tune of “Silver Bells”

  City sidewalks, busy sidewalks,

  Simply teeming with brains!

  In the air

  There’s a new

  Zombie virus.

  Undead laughing,

  Brains they’re passing,

  Eating mile after mile,

  And on ev’ry street corner you’ll hear:

  Silver brains! Silver brains!

  It’s undead party time in the city.

  Do our thing! Hear them scream!

  The Zombie will carry the day!

  All the streetlights,

  Even stoplights,

  No longer blink red and green

  As the shoppers become barricaders!

  Hear the bones crunch,

  See the kids munch,

  Even on Santa we feed.

  And above all the gristle

  You’ll hear:

  Let’s eat brains, silver brains!

  It’s undead party time in the city.

  Do our thing, hear them scream!

  Soon it will be Christmas Day.

  I’LL BE UNDEAD FOR CHRISTMAS

  Sung to the tune of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”

  I’ll be undead for Christmas,

  Eating more than I usually do,

  And although I know it’s a long road home,

  I’ll be fueled by goo.

  Chorus

  Christmas Eve will find me

  Wherever brains will be.

  I’ll be undead for Christmas,

  When I hear your screams.

  I’ll be undead this Christmas—

  Yes the virus, it got me.

  Tramp through the snow, to eat some toes

  And brains under the tree.

  Chorus

  When I hear your screams.

  When I hear your screams.

  GRANDMA GOT TURNED INTO A ZOMBIE

  Sung to the tune of “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”

  Chorus

  Grandma got turned into a Zombie,

  Walking home from our house Christmas Eve.

  You can say there’s no such thing as Undead.

  But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

  She’d been drinkin’ too much eggnog,

  And we’d begged her not to go.

  But she ignored our Zombie warnings,

  And she staggered out the door into the snow.

  When we found her Christmas mornin’

  At the scene of the attack,

  She was missing part of her forehead,

  And incriminatin’ undead marks were on her back.

  Chorus

  Now we’re all so proud of Grandpa.

  He’s been takin’ this so well;

  See him in there with a sharp machete,

  Drinkin’ beer and loadin’ his shotgun up with shells.

  It’s not Christmas without Grandma;

  All the family waits for her attack,

  And we just can’t help but wonder:

  Should we decapitate her with a whack?

  Chorus

  Now Grandma’s out there clawing at the window,

  And Grandpa, he doesn’t give a fig.

  He will take his sharp machete,

  And chop right down through Grandma’s blue-haired wig.

  I’ve warned all my friends and neighbors,

  Better stock up your pantry shelves.

  The Undead surely are a menace,

  And some of them look like their former selves.

  Chorus

  IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME TO FEEL FEAR


  Sung to the tune of “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

  It’s the most wonderful time to feel fear,

  While the virus is jelling,

  And everyone’s yelling that Zombies are here,

  It’s the most wonderful time to feel fear.

  There’ll be fresh brains for roasting,

  Intestines for toasting,

  And body parts out in the snow.

  There’ll be Undead beheading

  And Zombies a-spreading,

  From viruses long, long ago.

  It’s the most wonderful time to feel fear.

  There’ll be no Zombies slowing,

  And brains will be glowing,

  When undead ones are near.

  It’s the most wonderful time to feel fear!

  WE WISH YOU AN UNDEAD CHRISTMAS

  Sung to the tune of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”

  Chorus

  We wish you an undead Christmas;

  We wish you an undead Christmas;

  We wish you an undead Christmas while we chew off your ear.

  Zombie virus we bring to you and your kin;

  We’ll eat brains for Christmas and through the New Year.

  Oh, bring us a hippocampus;

  Oh, bring us a hippocampus;

  Oh, bring us a hippocampus and a cup of root beer.

  We won’t go until we eat you;

  We won’t go until we eat you;

  We won’t go until we eat you, so come on out here.

  Chorus

  SMASH THEIR HEADS WITH A ROCK

  Sung to the tune of “Jingle Bell Rock”

  Zombies yell, Undead smell, heads smashed with rocks,

  Human guts swing, and hear them all scream,

  Snarling and growling as the humans all run—

  Now the Zombie hop has begun.

  Zombies yell, undead smell, heads smashed with rocks,

  Jingle bells chime in Zombie hell time.

  Dancing and prancing, Zombies beware;

  They’re in the frosty air.

  What a virus! It’s inside us.

  They’ll eat our brains all day.

  Virus time is a swell time

  To get the hell out of here any old way.

  Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet,

  Zombies are on our block.

  Mix and a-mingle with their shuffling feet.

  Here the Zombies yell,

  We’re in undead hell.

  Smash their heads with a rock!

  RUDOLPH, THE ZOMBIE REINDEER